06/09/2011 Comments Off on Bill
I’m a coward. There are no two ways about it. I’ve filled my life with unproven braggadocio. I talk the talk, but for all intents and purposes I may as well be in a wheelchair.
All my life I’ve bragged about being good with the ladies, bragged about how women find me irresistible, how women can’t keep their hands off me. And here’s the thing: it’s all true. I can make women like me just by sheer strength of personality. I know how to pique a woman’s interest, how to make her smile, how to make her laugh. I can make her want to touch me; I can make her want to know me.
But I can never ever close.
I met a girl once. She was pretty and smart and amusing and good, and I wanted her more than anything in the world. So I played it cool. I teased her. I ignored her. I took her off her pedestal and put her on the ground beside me. I was her leader.
I knew my way around the world. I knew what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it. Anything I wanted was mine. And she trusted me for this.
She wanted to follow me. She wanted to part of my world.
See, the problem was that as much as I wanted her, I was too much of a coward to actually ask her to join me. All I needed to do was ask her out. But I never could.
We did things together. We hung out a couple of times. I could tell she liked me, but I just wasn’t quite sure. I kept looking for a sign. She kept opening the door to her heart for me, but I was too cowardly, too filled with doubt to enter.
I was worried that I wouldn’t be man enough for her. I became concerned with impressing her. I forgot that she was already impressed. Still, I soldiered on. I kept aloof. I acted like an asshole one day, a sweet and kind guy the next. I kept her guessing.
But whenever we met, I was out of my element. I was too scared to lead. I allowed uncertainty to enter my thinking. I looked at the waves.
And then I sank.
I know I deserved my fate. The poor girl kept giving me opportunity after opportunity to take her. She was mine for the taking. But I was too scared to try.
My name is Bill and I’m a coward.